Musings from a divorced & displaced city girl raising 2 kids alone on 4 acres in Connecticut

I had the most intense dream last night. It was beautiful, yet hard to explain but the meaning of it was incredibly clear to me. My dream was of my Father.  He was talking to me, hugging me and telling me how beautiful I was.  He was full of life, warmth and kindness and it was as real as it could be. I woke up as he was standing over me and was explaining the answer to a very important question that I had asked him. As I realized that this was a dream, I immediately closed my eyes. I wanted so badly to get back in there, to get back to my Father and to hear the message that he was about to deliver.   I can’t help but wonder about the process of how our brain experiences the loss of those closest to us.

Those of you who know me are aware of the great presence that my father had in my life. When he died, part of my heart was taken with him and while his spirit is around me, I miss his physical presence.  My relationship with him was very special and I knew at a young age that I was  blessed with with the gift of a wonderful man in my life. I am grateful that I was able to express this to him and he was well aware of the close relationship that we had. The youngest and only girl in a traditional Italian family can only equal one thing- I was the apple of my father’s eye and everyone knew it.

My move back to Connecticut truly brought him some of his happiest days. I was thrilled to have my children experience the wisdom, enthusiasm and love that my father brought to the family.

Last night, in my dream it was if he was truly there. I desperately wanted him to be and when I closed my eyes again, my dream had ended. I struggled to get up as I didn’t have enough time with him and it was impossible to recapture our conversation.  I have accepted his death as we all must do, but that does not mean we don’t crave those who have made a meaningful difference in our lives. Do our dreams provide us with the comfort of the beautiful relationships that we yearn for, are they simply a gift that eases are yearning.

There are numerous workshops, books and therapists dedicated to the study of dreams. While they are interesting and intense, I believe they are simply a manifestation of the very things we desire, fear, yearn for or despise. How you interpret them is a personal decision, however if you take the time to reflect upon them and try to unravel them, you will find that the process can help you unravel who you are.

“That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending – performing. You get to love your pretence. It’s true, we’re locked in an image, an act – and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you’re trying to steal their most precious possession.” —Jim Morrison

To know me is to comprehend the depth and quality of the connections that I have with others. I do not wear a mask and feel that the ease of connection that I have with people is the result of confidence and my ability to immediately put others at ease. Why is it so difficult to communicate with your spouse. Why are you afraid to tell him what you need, or what bothers you. If you share your days and your nights with someone, does that not give you the right to be honest in your expression.

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